Miller's Motor Home Adventure

From time to time, our children exhibit uncommon displays of divine behavior.  When ever such a rare and treasured event occurs, it becomes a noteworthy spectacle, worthy of a blog post.  Such an experience happened to us one evening at a campground we were staying at a few weeks ago while traveling from Kansas City to Waco.  What seemed like any other ordinary evening, Mel and I went on a walk together while our children were playing at a playground near our RV.  As it was approaching dinner time, we asked our children to be ready to come in and help with dinner when we got back from our walk.  We had planned on making tacos and everyone in our family is required to contribute in its preparation.  Without our knowing, the kids conspired together and left the playground early.  When we came back to the RV we noticed that the kids were not playing at the playground and that the door to our RV was locked.  Knocking on the door, the children exclaimed from the other side that we were not allowed in at this time.  They had a surprise for us and we had to sit outside in the “waiting room” (a picnic table).  So Mel and I enjoy another 20 minutes to ourselves, when suddenly the RV door flew open, and we were graciously invited into the private kitchen of the “Master Chefs” who had prepared a private table for two just for us.  We sat down at a tastefully decorated table and, with (absurdly) french accents, the master chefs asked if we would like a glass of water (in a plastic wine glass).

After the formalities one would expect from a fine dinning experience, the chefs presented dinner to us, which they had prepared, without our assistance.  Though the menu option came as no surprise (tacos), I must admit that we experienced a universal law that I will describe as “food prepared by someone else in a display of loving kindness always tastes better than food prepared for by oneself.”  Our hearts were filled with gladness and joy and I came to believe, if only for a moment, that we may be making progress in our struggle to be good parents.

And what meal, from such a fine dining establishment, would be complete without a gourmet specialty desert such as the one we had?  Tortilla chips covered with clementine oranges and dried dates (creativity at it’s best when our cupboards are bare of cookies and candy, except for a couple little Twix bars).

A unique experience that can never be planned or expected, only treasured and cherished when it occurs.

After going to the ER twice, heart doctor twice, and wearing a heart monitor for 30 days, Mel wasn’t finished with her medical emergencies.  On a Friday evening, Mel’s upper left back teeth began to hurt, and by Saturday, we changed our plans to travel to Carlsbad Caverns in New Mexico so she could go the the dentist on Monday morning.  After a 10 am appointment with a recommended dentist in TX, Mel was sent to a dental specialist for emergency root canal surgery on two teeth.  Because of a bacterial infection, she was put on antibiotics and had to wait until Tuesday morning to have the surgery performed.  Thankfully, after the dental work was completed, Mel’s tooth pain has been alleviated and she is back to normal once again.  Our prayer is that we have completed our rounds of medical procedures required for our trip.  Though it delayed our traveling plans by 3 days and cost several thousands of dollars we are once again grateful for God’s provision.  The time delay gave us reasonable excuse to extend our stay at the Homestead Heritage from 6 days to 9 days.  We all found joy in that.  And, though, I have not blogged much about money the second half of our trip, God continues to provide for our needs financially so that we can complete the full 10 months of this trip we originally planned on.  As with any adventure, we had anticipated unknown surprises along the way, and this is just one more example of that.  Though challenging at times, I must admit that I am learning to more fully trust the faithful provision and direction of God, as we live this life of adventure he has put us on.

This blog post, being the 4th or 5th one to mention our time at the Homestead Heritage, may lead the reader to believe that of all the places we have visited in the last 8 months, this one must be our favorite.  If this thought has crossed your mind, than I will give you confident assurance that you are correct.  Of all the places we have visited in this vast and beautiful country we live in, this one place, the Heritage Homestead, has stood out to us among them all.  It is difficult to articulate all the reasons why (see former blog post), so I will attempt to communicate experience through pictures in this post.  Though I will describe little in this blog post in regards to our inner-experience, I hope that the following pictures will give the reader a visual expression of all that we have experienced in the past week at the Homestead.

What is life like on the Homestead?  Here are a few of the many pictures of what we have been doing:

Herding cattle;

Milking cows;

Working in the butcher shop;

Gardening;

Digging;

Electrical work;

Homeschooling;

Music;

Milling;

Baking;

Crafting;

Eating at the Saturday farmer’s market;

and, playing with baby farm animals.

With all this and more, it is easy to imagine why this place has been our favorite.  We have thoroughly enjoyed our time here and hope these pictures fill your hearts with joy to the smallest degree in which our our hearts have been filled to overflowing.

When I was preparing to go on my week long wilderness survival camp (which I had to reschedule for November because of Mel’s unexpected trip to the hospital) I noticed something interesting about the response I received from those I know and love whom I told about this upcoming event.  Most everyone said to me two things.  1.) They saw a TV show about people surviving in the woods and 2.) They thought I was crazy and they would never do anything like that.  Because I received this response so consistently, I found it hard not to reflect on it.  This reflection will be the theme of this blog post.

I began to ask myself,  “Why would anyone want to merely “know about” surviving in the woods vicariously (watching a TV show, reading a book, etc.)  if there was an alternative of “experiencing” surviving in the woods as a first hand, real life opportunity?”  There could be many answers to this question with various levels of depth and insight, but here are a few that I thought summarized them.  1.) It is easy, comfortable and convenient to “know about” instead of “experience”.  2.) It costs very little in the way of time or money.  3.) The “knower” does not have to overcome challenges, both external (getting dirty, working hard, living with less) or internal (fear of the unknown, self preservation, humility, trust).

While we have been on this trip we watched the newly released Disney movie “Incredibles 2.”  In the movie, the “bad guy” (Screenslaver) has a quote that I believe is both profound and speaks directly to this “knowledge vs. experience” theme.  It is as follows:

“Don’t bother watching the rest.  Elastigirl (The heroine of the movie) doesn’t save the day; she only postpones her defeat.  And while she postpones her defeat, you eat chips and watch her confront problems that you are too lazy to deal with.  Superheroes are part of your brainless desire to replace true experience with stimulation.  You don’t talk, you watch talk shows.  You don’t play games, you watch game shows.  Travel, relationships, risk; every meaningful experience must be packaged and delivered to you to watch at a distance so that you can remain ever-sheltered, ever-passive, ever-ravenous consumers who can’t free themselves to rise from their couches to break a sweat, and participate in life.”

Now, I must apologize if this blog post is becoming offensive to anyone reading this.  Please know that my goal is not to speak against anyone here.  I am simply preparing a contrast to the difference of knowledge vs. experience that we ourselves are having on this trip.

After visiting Kansas City, MO and enjoying nearly two weeks with Mel’s brother Matt and his family, and seeing our friends in Oklahoma, Mel and I decided to drive back down to Texas to spend another week at the Homestead Heritage.  Why?  I hope the introduction to this blog post will assist me in my desire to accurately communicate what we have experienced.

Simply put, being at the Homestead Heritage, we have experienced something about life that, in the past, we have only understood (known about) intellectually.  These experiences include our relationship to God, church, community, people, raising children and lifestyle.  Even now, as I write this, I am forced to deal with the impossible task of communicating our experience, so that it can be known to you.  I will try my best.

At the Homestead, I have experienced the “Acts 2 church” for the first time in my life. In the past I have only read about this church, I have only known about it.  I’ve caught a glimpse here and there, but I have never fully experienced it.  Acts 2:42-47 reads, “They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer…..All the believers were together and had everything in common.  They sold their possessions and goods and divided them among all, as anyone had need.  Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts.  They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people.”

In all my Christian life (20 years now) I have only read about this Acts 2 church.  I have understood it intellectually and have been taught that this is the example in which church is to be modeled.  I have been involved in church leadership and have attempted to help direct the churches I have been a part of towards this model.  But, I have never once experienced a church that has truly embraced this model until now.

It is difficult to fully articulate here what we have experienced.  A depth of relationship throughout a community that is unlike anything else we have ever experienced.  A body of Christian believers who are truly and actually united together to serve God, serve each other and meet the needs of those in their keep.  We ourselves have been on the receiving end of their hospitality which is unmatched by even the most expensive of resort hotels.  It is the difference between examining the fruit hanging from the tree of life and actually eating its fruit.

This community lives a lifestyle of faith each and every day.  Not a once a week, Sunday kind of faith, but a day by day, moment by moment reliance on God’s provision to guide their every step.  A community that doesn’t talk about cultivating relationships with each other, but demonstrates it in their everyday interactions with each other and us.  A community that prioritizes relationship over productivity and yet, at the same time, demonstrates hard work.  A people group that unites to become the body of Christ and worships the Lord deep within their hearts.

I could continue to use words to attempt to communicate our shared experience with this community.  But let me tell of one specific event that I experienced here that has touched me deeply.  On Wednesday evenings, the community hosts a worship meeting and teaching of the Bible.  Last Wednesday we attended.  A noticeable characteristic of the community is their commitment to excellence, which was in no way lacking that night as we listened to the instruments and voices lead the group into a time of honoring God with music.  I had come to the meeting with a feeling of awe and amazement, struggling to believe that a place as such as I was experiencing now could actually be real.  This feeling was leading me to tears of joy (which I commonly experience during times of sincere worship).  I, being situated in the middle of the building, in the center of the crowd of worshipers, I found myself moved by the beauty of what I heard, saw and felt.  Everyone around me was standing with arms raised high in gratitude as they sang.  I, too, stood.  I, too, raised my hands (which for me is mostly uncommon as I tend to enjoy being more contemplative and less demonstrative).  My tears of joy were increasing in intensity with the music until I found myself weeping and laughing out loud (at the same time, weird right?).  With arms fully extended I physically felt my heart becoming warm in a way I have never experienced before.  It was as if God was connecting with me in a new way, as if he was coming and touching my heart.  I was filled with a joy that was new to me and I felt a calm and gentle peace.  The rest of the evening was as I would have anticipated.  Good music, good teaching, and a good time of socializing afterwards.   But I came away from that meeting with a fresh experience of the love of God that I pray I will never forget.

Again, I could go on and on, attempting to share stories and experiences of the unbelievable time we are sharing with this community of believers.  But I feel words are inadequate and experience is far to difficult to describe in the context of a blog post.  I will conclude by leaving you all with this.  I have experienced something that, in the past, was something I only knew about in my mind.  But now, for the first time, I have experienced it as something real, something actual, something that can be lived in and experienced.  I do not now know what this means for my life to come, only that I know I have much more to pray about and to search through as I look towards the future.

 

 

After leaving Kansas City, MO, we drove south through the state of Kansas and, so we could say we “did something” in this state, we stopped at Peter Pan Park where the kids played, ate lunch, and I took a business call.

The kids standing next to a metal statue of Peter Pan.

After Lunch we continued south where we visited our “new friends” Keith and Lacy and their two children Jeremiah (15)  and Judah (11) at their family’s farmland in Oklahoma.  Now, I must first talk about how we met our “new friends.”

Back in January, when we were camping in Orlando, FL, a couple with two children (the two mentioned above) parked their RV next to ours at a Thousand Trails camp site.  As kids usually do, they quickly befriended our “new neighbors,” and, not long afterwards, the adults began socializing with each other as well.  Our new neighbor’s names were Keith and Lacy Haugen and before long they invited our family to join there family at the community pool.  Enjoying their company and new found friendship, we hung out with them the next few days before we had to move on.  During that time we continued to hang out with them.  We frequented the pool, played miniature golf, and sealed our friendship with an evening family game of Settlers of Catan (our family and their family both own a copy of the game).  We said good-bye as we traveled to a different camp site in Florida, where we would be camped for two weeks while Mel and I went on our individual trips (me to California and Mel to Guatemala).

But we stayed in touch, and because our families connected, the Haugens decided to come and camp with us for a week.  After Mel got back from Guatemala, as we headed towards New Orleans, we stopped by to say hi to the Haugens at their next camping spot.

So, after 6 months of travelling our family had made friends with another RV family that we had no connection with before we left.  Though we have visited many family members and existing friends on this trip, this was the first time we had connected with a new family in which all members of our family enjoyed being together.  We have stayed connected with them and we share with each other where we are coming and going and try to find out when we will be able to connect together again.  Which leads us to Oklahoma.

While we where in Kansas City, we found out that Keith and Lacy were going to be at their family’s farm during the same time we were driving through Oklahoma, so they invited us to swing by and stay the night on their property.  During our 22 hour stay with them we learned the ins and outs of large scale cotton farming including;

Driving around in a commercial cotton picking tractor;

Playing on yellow “cotton marshmallows;”

Hanging out;

and watching an Oklahoma sunset.

And, of course, our time would not be complete without a game of Catan (sorry, no picture).  So, our “new friends” are now becoming our familiar friends.  We are in conversation with them to see when and where will be the next time we cross paths and will be able to share each other’s company.   Thank you Keith and Lacy for sharing your life and family with ours.

As we reflect on the time we have spent with them and the relationship that has been forming between their family and ours, we have noticed something larger about our trip.  To start our trip, we left home and those we know and we journeyed across the country and saw many wonderful and amazing places.  As our journey has progressed, we have started to see a shift from visiting awe inspiring places, to the cultivation of relationships and community with others.  Where the start of our trip was highlighted by places such as Yellowstone, Lake Superior, Niagara Falls, Boston, New York & Washington D.C., the second half of our journey has been highlighted with extended times with families, friends, Child Ambassadors, new friendships, and intentional communities.  When we set out on this trip we did not “plan” for this to happen.  But now, as we see it happening, we realize that no matter where we are or what we are doing, the need for friendship and community never leaves us.  We are grateful and thankful for our friends and family back home, as well as the new relationships we are beginning to develop on this trip.  We miss everyone back home and look forward to seeing all you soon.

We spent 12 wonderful days with my (Mel’s) brother, Matt, and family. It was entirely God’s timing being with them at this point on our trip. With my unexpected heart issues, we knew the kids were safe and well taken care of with their uncle, aunt, and cousins when I had various doctor appointments. Thankfully, most of our time was not taken up with doctor and hospital visits. We really got time to just enjoy being with my family; time that doesn’t happen often enough due to geographical distance. Josh shared some photos from our first few days with them. Here are quite a few more!

We talked (so many good conversations!), cried, laughed, played games, wrestled,

visited Uncle Matt’s school (where he teaches P.E.),

cooked with Aunt Christie,

enjoyed walks and playground time on nice days,

watched my nephew, Austin’s, soccer game while my niece, Brooklynn, practiced her gymnastic skills on the side lines,

rode a ferris wheel and bowled at a crazy big sporting goods store,

attended church and finally got some nice family and cousin pictures,

ate some Kansas City BBQ,

and went on a couple adventures to downtown to Union Station, Kaleidoscope again (see our last post about that), and the local art museum that had an outdoor glass maze (we walked away with a few bumps on our heads!)

and ended our time celebrating my nephew, Brendan’s, upcoming 20th birthday (which we somehow missed getting a group picture at the restaurant but at least I got a picture with the man-child 😉 ).

As always, the time flew by way too fast and it was hard to say goodbye.

I really wish we lived closer. Hopefully, some day, God willing.

With 7 1/2 months of travel behind us and less than 3 months till we come back home, we have begun to plan out the final destinations of our trip.  We have currently traveled through 39 state and plan on making it to 5 others for a total 44 states that we have traveled to in our motor home.

To help everyone reading this understand what lies ahead, I will attempt to timeline the rest of our plans:

Kansas: Drive through & eat lunch at “Peter Pan Park.”

Oklahoma: Stay the night with friends we have made along this trip who are also full-time RVing with their kids.

Texas:

-Spend some time at the Homestead Heritage.

-Visit El Paso and attempt to cross the border into Mexico.

New Mexico:  Visit the Carlsbad Caverns

Arizona:

-Visit family in the Phoenix area

-Visit the Grand Canyon.

-Visit four corners (actually the point that Arizona, New Mexico, Colorado & Utah meet)

Colorado: Visit family in Castle Rock

Utah:

-Visit Arches National Park.

-Visit family in Ogden

Nevada: Drive trough and eat lunch in Wells.

Idaho:

-Visit family in Boise.

-Visit a homestead in Deary.

Washington: Go Home!

You will notice that I have not added any dates to the above timeline because we are still trying to contact family and plan dates, but hopefully this will at least serve to give you an idea of what is to come.  It is hard to believe that we are even beginning to talk about the end already.  This trip has been amazing and it now seems that it is passing by us quickly.  We are excited for what is still left to come and plan on enjoying every moment of it until the very end.  Thank you to you who have “journeyed with us” through our blog.

It’s about time for a feel-good blog post.  To be completely honest we have been having a blast hanging out with Mel’s brother, Matt, and family and little of our time or attention has been focused on Mel’s current health concerns.  One of the reasons we chose to come up to Missouri during this time (trust me it was NOT because of the sunny warm weather) was due to spring break school schedules, which will allow us to spend more quality time with the family while we are here.

One of the major goals of going on this motor home adventure around the country was to embrace quality family time in it’s purest form.  It is evident that this goal has been embraced without reservation during this week.

From kids spending time with cousins,

To family game nights (thank you Thompson’s for our new National Parks game).

From playing with the family dog,

To a nephew testing his wrestling skills against his uncle’s,

we have fully strengthened our bonds with family.

A few note-worthy outings we have taken so far are as follows.  In Kansas City we took the kids to a free kids art workshop called Kaleidoscope.  They had an hour free for all of arts, crafts, black lights, puzzles, markers and paint to create whatever their hearts could imagine.

Another note worth outing to mention was when Mel and I were given the valuable gift of a date night together.  We ate at a Mediterranean restaurant and visited an ice cream shop called Freezing Moo.

Now Freezing Moo requires some additional commentary.  Mel and I love to visit quality or unique ice cream locations and this experience fit the bill.  First, you choose your ice cream flavor including sweet treats that they crush on a large frozen pan called an “ice grill.”  Then your flavors are mixed with cream and right before your eyes ice cream is created in a thin layer.

Once our creating is completed they scrape the frosted treat into “ice cream rolls” and place them into a bowl, after which they add additional sweets of your choosing.

The final result makes for an exceptional date night treat.

So I can easily conclude that our stay here so far has been everything we wanted it to be.  We love our family and consider it an invaluable privilege to spend such quality time with them.  Let the good times roll!

Though it has only been 3 days since my last blog post, I feel like this post is much overdue, for all you caring family and friends, considering our current situation.  Today, Mel went to a medical facility for the fifth time in 12 days.  Thankfully her visit today was a scheduled appointment with no surprises.  I think I will chronologically summarize what has been written about in a last few blog posts, then bring you all an update to where we are today including the reason for the title of this post.

5:00 am – Monday, March 4th: First unexpected trip to the emergency hospital near Dallas, TX (See blog post on March 8th).

3:00 pm- Friday, March 8th: Scheduled appointment with a cardiologist (as recommended after our hospital visit) in Belton, MO, just minutes away from Mel’s brother’s house.  The doctor could find nothing wrong with Mel’s heart and recommended she get an echocardiogram (ultrasound of her heart).

5:00 am – Sunday, March 10th:  Second unexpected trip to the emergency hospital in Belton, MO (See blog post on March 10th).

4:00 pm – Tuesday, March 12th: Mel discusses over the phone with her primary care doctor in Seattle.  According to lab results in the hospital her potassium levels were low.  Her doctor recommended her take some health supplements (potassium and cal-mag), but assures her she has seen this sort of condition in many of her patients and she’s confident she will be fine.

2:45 pm – Thursday, March 14th: Scheduled appointment to have echocardiogram (ultrasound of her heart) completed.

1:45 pm – Friday, March 15th: Scheduled appointment with cardiologist in Belton, MO to discuss the results of the echocardiogram and discuss future steps.

I would like to interject here to speak to our emotional countenance over the last few days.  Though one could easily believe that the above mentioned account might bring a flood of tension, stress and anxiety, I am pleased to report that both Mel and I have been at peace and have not felt any of the above mentioned emotions (at least not in any noteworthy degrees) in the last few days.  Even though there is some slight frustration in not having a clear diagnostic as to what is actually causing Mel’s heart abnormalities, we have not been discouraged.  If anything, we have felt loved, supported, cared for and prayed over.  All of you, family and friends, have reached out to us and communicated your concern for Mel and our family.  For this we are deeply grateful.

Today, at Mel’s cardiologist appointment, the medical professionals helping her told her that all the results that came back from her echocardiogram (performed yesterday) showed that her heart was healthy in every way and that no abnormalities had been detected.  Not much more light was shed on the question of “Why” her heart had, twice now, woken her from a dead sleep and, in a rapidly accelerated manner, sending her to the hospital.  Though we had hoped for a more specific diagnostic, we were pleased that no damage was detected in her heart scan.

The doctor’s next recommendation came as no surprise to us as it had been mentioned as a possibility at her last appointment.  My wife is to become a Bionic Woman.  Unlike superhuman bionic powers (that I had hoped for) one might see in a sci-fi movie, she was only to receive a heart tracer, hooked to a special cell phone that would allow doctors to monitor her heart for the next 30 days.  I apologize for a very anticlimactic ending considering all the build up to this point.  I suppose that is what we wanted, though, in actuality.  A story with positive ending without any drama.  Though Mel now has to keep a heart monitor on her for the next 30 days, this will not inhibit any of the future plans we have for the rest of our trip.  Because her heart recorder has real time tracing, the doctors can monitor her heart while we are traveling anywhere in the county.  And once the 30 days is up, we simply put the device back in the box and ship it back in a pre-paid postage envelop.

So, with all this said, we are doing very well.  Mel has a healthy, properly working heart.  We are able to resume our trip according to plan without any delays.  We have peace of mind and know that her heart will be monitored 24 hrs a day for the next 30 days.  Mel and I feel closer to each other and all of you, our real time emotional support system.  Though I wish no one would ever have to take a loved one to the hospital unexpectedly early in the morning, I am convinced that these events have served to bring us closer to our family and friends and have increased the gratitude in our hearts for our life and for those we love.  We believe that God is good and is providing for us in so many ways through this. We feel God’s love and peace. Thanks you all for everything you have done for us during this struggle.

Yesterday was a challenging day for me (Josh).  Not only was my wife hospitalized for the second time in 6 days, I also made a critical decision to stay with Mel this week as we work through her health conditions.  Recently I learned that the word disappointment comes from the root meaning “to miss an appointment”.  I will be missing an appointment this week that I had with the survival wilderness school.  Of all the things we had planned to do on this trip, this was the one thing I was most excited about.  Since this class is held quarterly, I will not be able to “make up” this class during the time we have on our trip.

I’m going to share something about my self with you that few people know about me.  It is not a secret, it is just a way that I operate that is not obvious from the outside.  When I “feel,” I do so deeply.  When I experience an emotion such as anger, fear, sadness or joy, I do so often at the extreme end of the spectrum.  I can become so overwhelmed with these emotions that it clouds reason, and, for a moment, I can temporarily believe things that I know are not true.  This can be challenging to overcome, in the moment, but I have found a single, helpful activity that produces a positive effect and unexpected byproduct.  When I am in the deepest of emotions, when I find myself hiding in the darkest regions of my soul, I find company with a pen and paper and I permit my raw, naked and tender feelings to spill onto the page.  This act helps me to accept the, often unwanted, emotions I find blowing and stirring inside myself like a mighty tempest.  Though I am not always proud of the thoughts I have during such a storm, once it has passed (and it always does) I am sometimes amazed at what gets left behind on the lined paper of my personal journal.

Yesterday morning and long into the afternoon, I battled through such a storm.  At the height of it’s wind I allowed it’s strong force to lift up my pen and transcribe on two pages the fierce torrent that surrounded me.  Today I would humbly like to offer it to you.

“This isn’t what I wanted.  But who am I to say that?  What right do I have to protest my own desire?  Does what I want have any value?  Does it matter my own desire?  I am angry inside, a hidden burning rage of fire that I hide from myself to protect myself and those around me from being burned.  I want to hold tightly to what I believe is mine.  To what I believe I deserve and am even entitled to.  The entitlement of the world around me that destroys our culture, I see inside myself.  What I thought was only in those broken around me is actually altogether alive in me as well.  I want what I want.  Words of a proud and selfish heart.  A heart that can’t possibly be humbled in a way to accept the will of God in my life.  Even anger burns within me against God.  The God who is the lover of my soul is the target of my frustration.  God is God and I am not.  Painful words for a self-entitled, self-centered individual.  I loath myself, wishing I could change myself.  There is the trap.  “I.”  I want to change myself through my own self efforts.  I am unwilling to submit myself to God’s will and am unwilling to allow him to change me.  Even though I can easily reason that submitting to God is the best, most profitable action I can take.  This truth is clear, obvious and evident, yet my heart remains cold and hard, clinging onto what I want.  I want control, I want my will to rule supreme in this life.  God offers me a never ending waterfall of love and I am too broken to accept this free flowing love, instead I grasp onto my stubborn desires.  I wish deeply that I could loosen my white knuckled grip, letting go and free falling into the loving invitation of my Father.  How can such brokenness be overcome?  Thanks be to God the Father through Jesus Christ who has done this impossible work for me.  These words I quote from the Bible.  I try to find even a hint of them, hidden somewhere in my heart.  If even a small amount of this truth can be found as faith in my heart, then maybe just then, this faith can be cultivated and grown.  I understand that God does the growing, but I have some responsibility for the condition of the soil.  LORD I pray that you will give me the strength and courage to till the soil of my heart.  Uproot in my heart, every overgrown weed that steals every last ounce of nutrition that exists.  Help me to submit to your will and embrace your desires for me.”